I started this blog...I guess because I am frightened, truth be told.  I feel so alone.  I feel pretty damn angry at times...as one might imagine.

I have tried to live a normal life...but, I never had a chance.  I see that now and I'm OK with that part of it, accepting my self.  I'm still having a very hard time accepting what HE did to me.

I have a talent that I have had a bit of success with...and, I want to move forward.  But I can't.  I just can't do anything.

Fuck.  I'm so pissed.

Everything is all right today

I am OK in this moment.

I literally have everything I need and a few things I want.

I have time.

I don't need to make any decisions today, tomorrow, next week or even next month.

Besides, there is no statute of limitations on the crimes in that state.

For the first time in my life, I am taken care of, I am OK, I am sober, I am safe.

I can take care of me today and nothing else.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Kills (C-PTSD)

I follow a blog on C-PTSD that helps me tremendously.  Did you hear about the girl that recently committed suicide with a homemade "suicide bag" because police were stalling on her case where she reported she had been been suffering sexual abuse?

http://www.therundown.tv/headlines/just-in/teen-girl-commits-suicide-after-posting-144-times-on-twitter/

And, February is not even over and many NYPD officers have already taken their lives.  This blog I follow has a lot of information and articles:

http://ptsdawayout.com.

Being Human

I went to criminal victim therapy today.  This was my 4th session.  I was starting to feel "what the fuck is the point?  I can't feel anything, nothing is going to change, most of my most important life choices were stolen from me, I'm oppressed in almost every way imaginable at this point."  One part you don't know is the man coerced me into giving up custody of my son while I was ill.  I know owe HIM $27,000.00 because I did not understand what I was signing...I thought it was just a temporary thing until I felt better.

"He stole my innocence, my right to choose what to do with my own body and my own life," I said.

Finally, something started moving inside of me.  I pointed to my head, I pointed to my heart...then I cried.  Something connected.  Some truth integrated inside of me.

My therapist cried.

"What do you think about this?"  he said.  I said, "I think...I have hope...that I'm human.  That you're human.  That we are human and there are others that are and not trying to hurt me or are greedy or cruel.  And we can have this emotional connection."

"And maybe I'm not alone anymore...because maybe I'm human."

Maybe because you're human, too.

Timing

I decided this morning I'm not totally ready.  I decided I need to speak with legal counsel in that state.  Phew.

The detective called this morning and left me a voicemail.  I am in an outpatient program every day so I am going to call him back and thank him but tell him I need legal counsel in that state first.  I also email the managing sergeant and let him know.

My son just had his first child three weeks ago.  It's not the right time. 

This gets confusing but I just need patience and wisdom

Mindfulness Practice and C-PTSD

I also wanted to mention that I recently have embraced secular Buddhism.  This is straight Buddhism with no superstition, spiritualism or religion.  It is because of my mindfulness practice I am able to find the strength and wisdom to start and navigate through this.  I've lived with Complex-PTSD all these years and been unable to work for at least half that time due to suffering from PTSD.

I had a son. He is 26 years old now.  He looks just like me.  I love him to death.  Sad thing is, he also suffers from PTSD due to abuse from his father and is on SSI.

The legal advocate told me it looks like I also have a second case of child abuse to report.  How this happened I will tell down the road a bit...my stomach is starting to hurt.

Breathe....

Finally Have the Courage After 30 Years

Almost 32 years ago I was sexually assaulted by a neighborhood guy.  I had just turned 13.  Noone believd me.  He came to my house a short time after...I thought he was going to apologize because he was being nice. He raped me again. 

It happened many more times and I'm only now beginning to understand how it all could have happened. 

Four years later he got me pregnant.  I had the child.  I survived 10 years of off and on sexual, emotional, mental and physical abuse...I was drugged more than once.


I'm going to tell the story here on this blog.  Also, the real-time story of my decision to report these crimes to the police and whatever comes of that.  I can do this now.  I'm strong enough.  I deserve justice.

Today I met with a sexual assault legal advocate.  The crimes took place in a another state where there are no statutes of limitations on reporting these crimes.  She told me to stick to events and especially if I can remember any dates.  She told me to be explicit in my descriptions of what occurred.

I emailed the Sgt. of the police department of that city.  He told me I could submit a statement here in my city at a local precinct but that he would like to have a detective to call me first.

Hopefully the detective will call me tomorrow.