Being Human

I went to criminal victim therapy today.  This was my 4th session.  I was starting to feel "what the fuck is the point?  I can't feel anything, nothing is going to change, most of my most important life choices were stolen from me, I'm oppressed in almost every way imaginable at this point."  One part you don't know is the man coerced me into giving up custody of my son while I was ill.  I know owe HIM $27,000.00 because I did not understand what I was signing...I thought it was just a temporary thing until I felt better.

"He stole my innocence, my right to choose what to do with my own body and my own life," I said.

Finally, something started moving inside of me.  I pointed to my head, I pointed to my heart...then I cried.  Something connected.  Some truth integrated inside of me.

My therapist cried.

"What do you think about this?"  he said.  I said, "I think...I have hope...that I'm human.  That you're human.  That we are human and there are others that are and not trying to hurt me or are greedy or cruel.  And we can have this emotional connection."

"And maybe I'm not alone anymore...because maybe I'm human."

Maybe because you're human, too.

Timing

I decided this morning I'm not totally ready.  I decided I need to speak with legal counsel in that state.  Phew.

The detective called this morning and left me a voicemail.  I am in an outpatient program every day so I am going to call him back and thank him but tell him I need legal counsel in that state first.  I also email the managing sergeant and let him know.

My son just had his first child three weeks ago.  It's not the right time. 

This gets confusing but I just need patience and wisdom

Mindfulness Practice and C-PTSD

I also wanted to mention that I recently have embraced secular Buddhism.  This is straight Buddhism with no superstition, spiritualism or religion.  It is because of my mindfulness practice I am able to find the strength and wisdom to start and navigate through this.  I've lived with Complex-PTSD all these years and been unable to work for at least half that time due to suffering from PTSD.

I had a son. He is 26 years old now.  He looks just like me.  I love him to death.  Sad thing is, he also suffers from PTSD due to abuse from his father and is on SSI.

The legal advocate told me it looks like I also have a second case of child abuse to report.  How this happened I will tell down the road a bit...my stomach is starting to hurt.

Breathe....