Being Human

I went to criminal victim therapy today.  This was my 4th session.  I was starting to feel "what the fuck is the point?  I can't feel anything, nothing is going to change, most of my most important life choices were stolen from me, I'm oppressed in almost every way imaginable at this point."  One part you don't know is the man coerced me into giving up custody of my son while I was ill.  I know owe HIM $27,000.00 because I did not understand what I was signing...I thought it was just a temporary thing until I felt better.

"He stole my innocence, my right to choose what to do with my own body and my own life," I said.

Finally, something started moving inside of me.  I pointed to my head, I pointed to my heart...then I cried.  Something connected.  Some truth integrated inside of me.

My therapist cried.

"What do you think about this?"  he said.  I said, "I think...I have hope...that I'm human.  That you're human.  That we are human and there are others that are and not trying to hurt me or are greedy or cruel.  And we can have this emotional connection."

"And maybe I'm not alone anymore...because maybe I'm human."

Maybe because you're human, too.

Timing

I decided this morning I'm not totally ready.  I decided I need to speak with legal counsel in that state.  Phew.

The detective called this morning and left me a voicemail.  I am in an outpatient program every day so I am going to call him back and thank him but tell him I need legal counsel in that state first.  I also email the managing sergeant and let him know.

My son just had his first child three weeks ago.  It's not the right time. 

This gets confusing but I just need patience and wisdom

Finally Have the Courage After 30 Years

Almost 32 years ago I was sexually assaulted by a neighborhood guy.  I had just turned 13.  Noone believd me.  He came to my house a short time after...I thought he was going to apologize because he was being nice. He raped me again. 

It happened many more times and I'm only now beginning to understand how it all could have happened. 

Four years later he got me pregnant.  I had the child.  I survived 10 years of off and on sexual, emotional, mental and physical abuse...I was drugged more than once.


I'm going to tell the story here on this blog.  Also, the real-time story of my decision to report these crimes to the police and whatever comes of that.  I can do this now.  I'm strong enough.  I deserve justice.

Today I met with a sexual assault legal advocate.  The crimes took place in a another state where there are no statutes of limitations on reporting these crimes.  She told me to stick to events and especially if I can remember any dates.  She told me to be explicit in my descriptions of what occurred.

I emailed the Sgt. of the police department of that city.  He told me I could submit a statement here in my city at a local precinct but that he would like to have a detective to call me first.

Hopefully the detective will call me tomorrow.